Empty....

It's 2 a.m. and I'm up and my mind is running in circles. It's too late to take a sleeping pill so now I have to sit here and struggle with the demonds that haunt me at at times like this. I often wonder at times like this what is it all really for...we go through life imagining that things will end up one way, but far too often they don't end up how we envision them at all. It's true...why are we dying to live, if we are just living to die? We wake up everyday hoping that just maybe today will be better than yesterday, but the same problems we faced yesterday are staring us back in the mirror. We are still the same person, with the same problems, just simply living, functioning and for what? We live our lives according to the way society says we should...we go to school, we work, we go home, we sleep and it starts all over again. I have always thought of people that take their own lives as shelfish, but maybe they're really the courageous ones. They realize that sooner or later they will have to die so what's the point in prolonging the inevitable. It seems like life is nothing, but a race against death.

I know this sounds really depressing and morbid, but when you feel as empty as I do right now you're mind tends to think of some crazy things. When you are as empty and tired of being disappointed mostly by yourself your mind wanders. When you are as empty and unsure of what your real purpose is other than taking all the hurt that others don't seem to face...your mind wanders.

I just don't know anymore. From day to day I just don't know. I pray and ask God for guidence, but I'm not really sure where I am going. I am sick of hurting, I am sick of crying and most of all I am sick of trying. I have given my all to so much in life only to get little to nothing in return. I have so many emotions running around that truly I just feel empty. I feel like I have nothing left to give...I am all tapped out. It seems like everyday I just go through the motions of life hoping that one day life will finally have mercy on me and suprise me...shock me even. That life will bring me something other than stress and grief.

I know I could be a lot worse off right now, but I also feel I could be a lot better. I know that nothing in life is owed to us, but for once I wish my life would stop looking up to only look back, laugh and shit in my face. I'm tired of living life the way it is supposed to be lived, I am tired of being unhappy and I am tired of waking up greatful for life only to wish later that I could climb into a hole and die.

The glimmers of hope are all that keep me going and I guess are what keep most people from crumbling so maybe we are the courageous ones, the ones who wake up everyday because we don't want to miss our suprise. The ones that are willing to keep waking up everyday just hoping that, that day our turn will come and that we no longer have to remain hopeless. I just hope that my glimmers can continue to shine bright enough to give me the hope and courage to face tomorrow. I hope and pray that my day isn't too far from now, because I'm not sure how much longer I can function being empty.