2008 a year in Review...

We are upon the last 2 days in 2008 so I thought I'd take a quick look back and highlight some of the happenings of my life. It was a pretty quiet year other than getting a boyfriend only to find out 5 months later why I was glad I didn't have one before. I also went the the United States Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs for the FLAME Conference. Went to the Lyfe Jennings concert in July with my awesome brother. The Sonics were lost to Oklahoma City...and that began Seattle's dismal year of sports...hopefully UW basketball can revive it. Barack Obama was elected the 44th President of the United States Nov. 4. I went to San Francisco for Thanksgiving break and got to see two amazing friends and my dad. Lastly, December 19, 2008 I finished my time at WSU and completed the coursework toward my Bachelor of Arts in Sport Management...yay!!!

It's been a pretty quite year, but had many fun moments that will make it memorable in my heart. I'm looking forward to 2009 and especially May 9...when I officially graduate from Washington State University. 2009 is sure to bring many more milestones and memories. So here's to 2008 and the start of 2009....what a year it shall be.

Keep comin back...I'll be here!

My brother from another

Well I woke up to it snowing again this morning...it's been snowing in Seattle for about a week now...blah. But the snow remided me of the amazing weekend I was able to have. Saturday I spent the entire day with the greatest guy I know...my best friend Jason! We ended up spending so much of Saturday together we came out of his brother's basketball game to a winter wonderland I ended up turning 1 day into 3 with him. I've always found myself having the most interesting and profound relationships with guys...I guess I'm just that girl that's girly enough for the girl advice, but aware enough to see the guys side. I realized after spending 3 days with my bestfriend that I love him so much and I feel like I don't tell him enough. When we first met almost 2 years ago I never thought he'd end up being another brother to me. After I lost my bestfriend Quinton (females and drama) I wasn't sure that I would ever be able to replace him, although he will never be replaced Jason has become a bestfriend and more to me. I value our friendship and realize that I am blessed beyond belief by our relationship. I am able to share with him things I feel no one else understands and he shares with me things that he could never tell anyone else (at least female). He is my blessing. I sometimes wonder what would have happend if we never met or if our relationship had taken a different path...for once I'm glad I didn't fight the flow of life. This weekend brought one of the most profound moments in our friendship...two very straight people sleeping together in the same bed and loving each other on a level so deep that neither felt the need to try anything...just having the warmth of the other persons body and knowing that the person next to you will always love you. I love my brother from another and his whole family like they are my own. He is a wonderful man and I am glad that I can call him my bestfriend! I've also decided that he will be the Godfather of my children, because if I trust him to take care of me I trust him to take care of my future kids.

A little to close for comfort

I sit here on the eve of my last final ever in college, I sit here the product of hard work, I sit here the product of a single mother that cared enough to keep my ass in check, I sit here the product of not always making the best decisions, but at least enough of the right one. I sit here confused and grief stricken by the fact that someone I was once close too has been shot in the head and is in the hospital fighting for his life...and all for what. Too many young men in the Seattle area have either been killed or have faced serious injury due to acting like little ass boys and trying to be something that is really nothing. I sit here thinking I saw this coming, but was hoping I would never have to hear that this one...another one so close was dealing with a life threatening injury. It's bad enough I lost a close friend, someone that had a crush on me when we were kids, to the violence among young black men only years ago.

Nothing makes sense right now. I'm just sitting here hoping and praying that the next text or phone call I receieve isn't someone telling me that I'll be attending a funeral when I get back to Seattle in 3 days. I'm also hoping and praying that this will all end somehow, sometime soon. Most of all I'm hoping and praying that no one else gets hurt or that someone I care deeply for doesn't do something stupid.

I'm prayin for you baby boy...hang in there...I knew I shoulda kicked your butt a little more back in the day. Grandma Betty my prayers are with you and the whole fam.

Bittersweet...

I sit here in the midst of a mess on my last Saturday living in Pullman trying to pack and watching Fall Commencement. Just a few days ago I was so excited about leaving Pullman and moving back to the "big city", but I sit here now a bit torn. I guess you could say reality has hit! As I pack up my life here in Pullman I am also packing up a world of memories I never thought I'd have. I pack up some of the best friends I could have ever made. I pack up an experience I wouldn't trade for the world. I thought a Black College was what I wanted, but little did I know what I really needed was a small town college in the middle of the wheat fields. All the tests, projects, late nights, movies, nights spent outside the Beas (beasley coliseum), basketball games, football games, volleyball games, drunken nights, days working in the athletic department, trips to spokane, trips and nights in Moscow (Idaho), cage dances, wing nights, beer pong games, inside jokes and friends I will never forget.

I am excited to make the next step, but a little sad (hate to admit it) to leave behind this special place. I never knew Pullman would have such a hold on me. I have had some amazing times. I'm gonna miss my girls and our wild times like crazy. I'm really going to miss the two people that got me though sport management, Ashley and Rachel...without them I'm not sure I would have made it. As I go on in life I will always remember their support and their challenges that helped make me better.

Congrats to Rachel, Nicole (Rally), Linds, Darryl and all those others that commenced from WSU today....GO COUGS!!!!

Empty....

It's 2 a.m. and I'm up and my mind is running in circles. It's too late to take a sleeping pill so now I have to sit here and struggle with the demonds that haunt me at at times like this. I often wonder at times like this what is it all really for...we go through life imagining that things will end up one way, but far too often they don't end up how we envision them at all. It's true...why are we dying to live, if we are just living to die? We wake up everyday hoping that just maybe today will be better than yesterday, but the same problems we faced yesterday are staring us back in the mirror. We are still the same person, with the same problems, just simply living, functioning and for what? We live our lives according to the way society says we should...we go to school, we work, we go home, we sleep and it starts all over again. I have always thought of people that take their own lives as shelfish, but maybe they're really the courageous ones. They realize that sooner or later they will have to die so what's the point in prolonging the inevitable. It seems like life is nothing, but a race against death.

I know this sounds really depressing and morbid, but when you feel as empty as I do right now you're mind tends to think of some crazy things. When you are as empty and tired of being disappointed mostly by yourself your mind wanders. When you are as empty and unsure of what your real purpose is other than taking all the hurt that others don't seem to face...your mind wanders.

I just don't know anymore. From day to day I just don't know. I pray and ask God for guidence, but I'm not really sure where I am going. I am sick of hurting, I am sick of crying and most of all I am sick of trying. I have given my all to so much in life only to get little to nothing in return. I have so many emotions running around that truly I just feel empty. I feel like I have nothing left to give...I am all tapped out. It seems like everyday I just go through the motions of life hoping that one day life will finally have mercy on me and suprise me...shock me even. That life will bring me something other than stress and grief.

I know I could be a lot worse off right now, but I also feel I could be a lot better. I know that nothing in life is owed to us, but for once I wish my life would stop looking up to only look back, laugh and shit in my face. I'm tired of living life the way it is supposed to be lived, I am tired of being unhappy and I am tired of waking up greatful for life only to wish later that I could climb into a hole and die.

The glimmers of hope are all that keep me going and I guess are what keep most people from crumbling so maybe we are the courageous ones, the ones who wake up everyday because we don't want to miss our suprise. The ones that are willing to keep waking up everyday just hoping that, that day our turn will come and that we no longer have to remain hopeless. I just hope that my glimmers can continue to shine bright enough to give me the hope and courage to face tomorrow. I hope and pray that my day isn't too far from now, because I'm not sure how much longer I can function being empty.

Oh the irony

So I've decided that I am way more successful in my friendships with males than I am with relationships. I find this to be crazyily ironic. I get along so well with so many guys, but when it comes to trying to have a relationship it just never really works. Hummmm...I wish I knew why this was, but for now it shall remain a mystery.

Maybe one day love will find me, but until them I'm just gonna keep on shinin!

Nothing I can say...

Nothing I can say will ever excuse what I did. I did the one thing I said I wouldn't do. I never promised, but I sure did tell you I would never do what I did. You aren't mine...never have been and who knows if you ever will be. I guess caring has been my biggest fault whether it be too much or too soon, I am a carer...it's in my nature. It's not that I mind other girls, it's that the combination of intoxication and hearing some girl loudly in my ear sent me over the edge. However, there is no excuse for what I did, but I'm woman enough to adimit I did it and appologize for it. I believe that we have a mutual respect for each other and I simply wanted to know who she was...honestly I would have joked about you takin her home like I do with so many of the other random girls. I know how you feel about me and I know how I feel about you. I have worked hard on growing over the last few years and lastnight was not the lady that I am or want to be portrayed as. You mean far too much to me to let 5 minutes tarnish what we have. The happiness you bring to my life is a breath of fresh air and far too precious to me to lose. I hope that you can forgive me and realize that lastnight wasn't Ashley and that we can wipe the slate clean...

Husky at Heart

Yeah that's right I said it! Lol! I'm definitely a Coug, but I love my Huskies and it doesn't help that my best friend's lil bro plays for the Huskies. I'm from Seattle, born and raised a Husky. The Cougs have treated me well the last 2 years, but goin back home to partake in Husky sports is something I look forward to. I guess you could say I'm a soul divided...lol. To all my fellow Cougs I love the Cougs I really do...I spent days outside waiting for basketball games, but I could never hate the Huskies the way so many of you diehard Cougs do. I just have too much personal interest in that I have tons of family and friends who have been Huskies. So there you have it my personal confession...